Well, to begin any journey into self, the questions one often asks first are; “Who am I and what is my purpose?” I’m sure I often give the impression that I have this part of my life or all of it in general figured out. In actuality I don’t. I’m not by any means pretending to either. Many people limit themselves or refer to aspects of their lives that carry titles as limiting or labeled, but I find them defining in different ways if you let them be. Now allowing something to create definition in your life is not necessarily a bad thing in the way which society would have us to believe. For instance, I am a mother. This is a very defining role in my character and how I see myself as an individual and a woman. For all the roles, and labels that define me, there are many that are limited in their context, but do not limit me. There will be some of you that will read every blog and walk away feeling like we’re old friends, and that you aren’t so alone in your struggles or mistakes. Hopefully that knowledge and knowing that I am thriving everyday will be a source of inspiration for you in your life. Still, there are others of you who will walk away feeling better about yourself, merely because you aren’t my kind of stupid. You haven’t made my bad choices or mistakes or even anything close and judging me will uplift you into having at least one person that you equate to being better than in your mind. I’m okay with that too. If making me the villain improves whatever your sad state of affairs is through your need to presume that you are “better than me,” by all means, feel free to be just that.
Who am I?
Short version: divorced birth mother of 3, step-mother to 4, writer, employee, quick-witted loud mouth. Complex/detailed version: a young black woman. Now some may not consider my 37 years on this planet akin to me being young, but in my mind I’m just getting started. The first 32 years were just practice. The last 5 was my initial training, and now I’m stepping into a more intensive life based internship. As far as formal education, I of course have a HS diploma, as well as 2 degrees, and 3 certifications. Admittedly, I probably suffered from undiagnosed ADD, and perhaps some sort of over-achiever syndrome that inhibits my ability to acknowledge any accomplishments in my life thus far.
I am excessively impressive and embarrassingly human. I tend to lead with my heart. It’s so out there I don’t even think it’s on my sleeve anymore, lol. I love helping people, but I won’t help everyone. I don’t always know who to help and who not to help, but my heart is pretty good at listening. I make mistakes, bad decisions, and have amazing revelations. All the while I consider it a process.
I was born in 1978, where is of no importance. I spent the first 5 years of my life growing up on an Air Force base in England with my parents, brother, sister, and Scottish nanny . I spent the remainder of my life primarily in Colorado, and learned early on that a black girl with a Scottish accent is a peculiar thing to most people. Considering that I am sort of light with freckles I am sure some people assumed I was mixed back then. Luckily I dropped the accent in a reasonable amount of time, but I can do some mean imitations now (accent wise) and I’m sure that beginning is the source behind that.
I love movies, and often revert to “movie speak,” which is just a brief quote or reference from a movie that just fits the moment in my mind. I am excellent at laughing, crying, encouraging, and at times whining. I workout when I feel out of shape or my pants don’t fit how I want, but can’t seem to wrangled it down to a regular habit. I also love to read. Sometimes that equates to a few books a week or an unprecedented drought. My hair is its own entity and the source of a #hartimeline on IG. It changes as often as my budget will allow and my hairdresser can squeeze me in. I’m not big on fashion or whose name is on what; I’m big on is it made well? Does it look nice and is it in my budget?
Writing is a passion that I dropped and picked back up like it never left. On occasion I avoid writing because my pen wants to say things that I have no desire to discuss or share. My 37 blog challenge/promise has thrown that option out of the window, and in 2016 I am facing the prospect of some fairly embarrassing and judgment shrouded revelations as I put my life on the main stage to hopefully spare at least one woman, or help her better contemplate her decisions, options, and choices.
May it end up being too honest, or too much? Maybe, but that is a risk we all take when sharing who we are or where we have been. My life has been a proverbial “roller coaster” and I wouldn’t change one thing. Naturally when you’re crying you want to do it all over like every damn thing, but when your eyes are smiling you appreciate every stinking tear. I have learned a lot over the years and hopefully some of what I learned will keep someone from having to learn in first-hand, but if you’re like me, well, I can only assume you have a soft/sore behind to go with that hard head.
What is my purpose?
Well partially to run my mouth. Simple right? Just talk sense into everyone and the world will be a better place? LOL, yeah not quite, but my partial purpose of running my mouth is to share the knowledge and tidbits of wisdom I come across. Granted, I have a tendency to use abrasive or offensive language sometimes, so that is one of the self-limiting factors of my lip associated life experiment. I have not seen, nor done it all either another self-limiting factor but I am thankful for that one.
How does running my mouth help people? Blabbing allows me to share my story, real life real thoughts, consequences, understanding, growth in a relate-able tangible fashion.
The other part of my purpose is yet to be determined, as I am in the process of a growth spurt and understanding life and God for myself on a truly personal level. I know you probably re-read that last part like, God? Yes God, the one and only! I am a christian woman who has walked a tight-rope and a fine line and probably danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. At the end of the day I discovered He was still there loving me, with his hand out like any patient parent to put band-aids on my boo boos and hold me while I cried. Over the last few weeks and months He has sent several people in my life that have told me the same thing to just be myself. I am going to do just that and hopefully I don’t bring dishonor on me, my family, or my cow (Mulan reference) in the process.
Originally published 1/20/2016