If the road to hell is paved with good intentions than the road to celibacy must be laced with broken glass. My road to celibacy began as many things in my life do; a day late and a dollar short. Which may in actuality equate to right on time, but only time will tell.
Prior to becoming pregnant with my youngest child, I wrestled with the need to give up sex. I was in the middle of rekindling the best relationship I’d ever had, which just so happened to be with God. I had recently begun to gain a complete understanding of where I went wrong, how I fell short and what was needed and expected of me. As I was working at getting things right with God, oddly enough if it was my ex that encouraged me in that area, I struggled with changing my life.
Premarital sex is something that has become commonplace in the world today. You see it normalized everywhere. Movies, tv, books, music and even amongst some of us in the church. I had grown accustomed to living my life on my terms. My morals were in line with what I saw around me so there seemed to be no need to make any changes that would seem drastic to others, celibacy included.
So how did I end up on this seemingly lonely road? Well two things happened the struggle to listen to my heart became overwhelming and I hit a dead end shaped like a brick wall. Getting pregnant in 2016 and setting myself up to be a single parent in an entirely different dynamic was just a wake up call that I was doing the most.
Just like the average individual, I wanted and had a relationship. We did all the common things in society today. We spent time together, shared each other’s joy and sorrow, and naturally had sex.
As natural as sex is there has never been anything exceptional about my relationship with it. Yes sex can be many beautiful things in the right circumstances but it can also be just the opposite. Over time and a couple failed relationships I found sex with some people is more like a bargaining chip. Though it may seem odd, there are men who use sex to try to get what they want. Doesn’t always work, but they still try nonetheless.
It is easy to caught up and wrapped in the emotions surrounding sex. The hormones released with orgasm, can cloud your ability to see what may be obvious to others. Part of the reason newly formed relationships endure ‘the honeymoon’ phase. Everything is new and wonderful in this phase, and red flags tend to be ignored or even buried. That’s where I come in and fail miserably. If you could imagine me falling up the stairs, down the stairs, and ultimately off a cliff that’s probably the least painful way to describe it.
While there are a subset of folks who can separate themselves or their emotions from the sex, I’m not one of them. The bible says that the 2 will become one. This is a part of the purpose and process of intercourse connecting two people in an unbreakable intimate fashion. When you join yourself with the wrong person its like agreeing to symbiotic relationship that ultimately is parasitic at its core and problematic. Instead of gaining something for what you thought you shared, you sometimes just get robbed.
The saddest moment is when you have to acknowledge you robbed yourself. I am a professional at ignoring red flags and yellow caution tape because I know I’m imperfect. But I also know I will run head on into a brick wall when I’m emotionally invested. Each relationship that I ultimately knew was wrong for me I was emotionally invested in so I didn’t walk away until I had no other choice. I increased the level of risk for myself unnecessarily and ultimately put others that I Iove at risk of being collateral damage.
There comes a time in every single person’s life that some critical thinking must occur and decisions must be made. Sometimes the only plausible course of action is to simply put your pussy up. So I did and surprisingly it is nowhere near as difficult as I had imagined. I’ve changed my outlook, further expanded my expectations and possibilities. I don’t see my single self ever going back. 85 glorious days and counting……