Letting go of things has always been either extremely easy or difficult with no real in between. The one element that has always made it hard for me to let go is my desire to keep my word, which sometimes dissolves into loyalty. Loyalty, that at times was often misdirected and one-sided. Despite the anguish and turmoil of my marriage I remained loyal and committed until, to my detriment, I became suicidal. I also maintained friendships, and even employment in amidst unacceptable treatment and circumstances.
Getting divorced was a two-fold victory, even though it was part of an uphill battle. I proclaimed my freedom but also my value in that process. I was asserting what I felt I did or did not deserve, even though I did not yet have a firm grasp on the belief in that. My marital relationship was a commitment that I had no intention of walking away from initially. I attempted to get my ex into counseling, together and alone, as well as counseling for myself. In the end things continued to get worse and I knew it would never improve. I took breaking this relationship hard because I felt that I had disappointed God.
After many guilt filled nights some time spent in my bible showed me that my ex, was not and had never loved or cared for me as God commands. Furthermore even though I was to submit to him, I was to submit myself first and foremost to God. He, however, refused to be in submission to God. There was no way to continue in a marriage where our beliefs were not aligned and I was subject to abuse of any nature at any time. This helped give me a greater sense of peace, especially when he called my relationship to God into question and attempted to use my Christianity against me by reminding me that God hates divorce. I firmly asserted that God hated our marriage more, lol.
The second major exodus in my life was leaving my long time employer. I had been with the company for 15 years at the time I chose to part ways with them. I had mistreated for at least half of those years, well paid, but disrespected. It is almost as if they believe that the money was to also compensate for the mental and emotional strain associated with being their employee. As my level of education increased my ability to be promoted within the company decreased. In my last year of employment there, they had once again hired our direct supervisor from outside of the company. Our supervisor was as usually grossly inept and emotionally unstable. He would fly into fits of rage, yelling at me and other staff. He was controlling and micromanaged every aspect of my day calling me repeatedly, some days invoking so much stress and anxiety that I was unable to perform my job duties.
Before I quit I attempted to move into another department or position. I was so stressed and anxious I couldn’t even pass a 35wpm typing test. My hands shook all the time and I had reached a point where I could no longer leave work at work. I spent time discussing with myself how would I be able to do things I needed to do, for my kids in particular without the money I was currently making? Similar positions with other organizations had a salary that was nowhere near comparable.
Eventually I determined that my mental health and my family, whom I was sacrificing for deserved better from me. I was bringing all of my work stress home and peace no longer existed in my life. I gave two weeks notice and accepted the very first job I was offered at more than a 50% pay cut. I worked that high flying adventure for two years until I felt it was time to move on. This time despite my affinity for commitment, I had no qualms about moving on with my life.
I spent 15 years in my relationship/marriage before I demanded change. I also spent 15 years with my previous employer before I sought out change. After 15 years of getting wrong I decided I would never wait that long again to either try to improve a situation or move on from it. I learned that while I am inherently loyal, not every individual and situation deserves your loyalty. While I don’t believe that people are disposable, replaceable, and burning bridges is a necessity to move on with life. Moving forward in love and your own best interests at heart is a necessity.
I believe that God gives us all visions and dreams and passions. Somewhere in the course of life we are taught to shy away from our passions unless they are aligned with making large amounts of money, which in the end does not equate to large amounts of peace or happiness. After 15 years of melodrama, disappointments and degradation I finally began to chase my dreams, and walk into my passions. Now that I have learned it my only goal is to master the simple art of letting go.
Originally Published 10/19/16