So, for a single woman there are many ideas as to why I should have a stable loving relationship. Some held by society, and others I harbor within my own heart. Every single woman has her own story, but this is merely a piece of mine. Many women, at some point in their relationships with men come to a place where they say and believe that all men ain’t shit.
First I must say I haven’t always been nor am I always single. I have had 2 relationships and 1 situation that I would quantify as “serious.” One was too long, one was too short, and the other just ended in tragedy. Each time my heart got broken was increasingly devastating and all of them left me wondering what was wrong with me; feeling inadequate and unlovable. The first time I fell in love out of circumstance. I can’t even really say if it was love or just obligation. Either way, after the birth of our first child I thought I was with the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Funny I know, a baby doesn’t create an instant family, just a lifelong responsibility to this child, God and society. The second time I fell fast and hard. The relationship seemed to end almost a quick as it started and I was left holding my tattered heart as he skipped off to love and care for another woman. The third time I swore I was not ‘bout that life, and then I woke up one day and had to accept that I was deeply in love with this man. This was probably the only relationship I’ve had that I would say was on the slow stroll, which was honestly an incredibly comfortable pace.
My first heartbreak was my 16 year on and off again. We finally we made the mistake of getting married. This union was wrought with red flags, hell no’s, and walk away girls. But I’m ever the optimist, feeling like if I just waited one more day, two more hours, etc.it would improve. Despite the fact that the relationship was abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially), I still had this hope that it would improve. I also held onto this idea that in order to do right by my children I needed to be with their father. Eventually reality and something else slapped me in the face for the last time and I demanded a separation and counseling. When those things didn’t happen I filed for divorce. It’s funny when I look back because, even though I wasn’t in love anymore I still held out hope until the last day possible to serve him the papers. If I had waited one more day I would have to refile my divorce papers, smh.
The second time I fell in love was an all wrong turn error, lol. I was in total bliss and looking to a possible future, and had no idea he was even looking at a future with someone else. Just days after he professed his “love” for me, he moved on with his life. I know, bizarre right? In retrospect it just probably wasn’t the right time. I was still pretty new to dating and had just recently crawled out of my marriage. I questioned myself a hundred times, like, “Was that love?” When I see him these days I feel nothing , no anger or regret, no glad to see you, just nothing. Okay maybe a little side-eye this ‘mo-fucka’ action but mostly nothing.
The third time I fell in love was a surprise. I didn’t even plan on being in love or attaching my, thoughts life and feelings to another human being. I am deeply in love, he is…….maybe not so much. The one time that we discussed having a more serious relationship he told me he wasn’t ready and was focused on his career goals. I couldn’t decipher if that meant he didn’t want me in a serious relationship or he didn’t want to be consumed with work while trying to maintain the relationship. Based on what he did professionally I assumed that meant he didn’t want me, because I knew once he reached his goals, he would no doubt be working more than he was already. That alone was a crushing blow. This had to be similar to the despair the Broncos felt when they lost 43-8 in the Superbowl; like utter decimation! Then I had to take a moment and consider, the things he does to show me I am valued in his life. He makes time for me often making me a priority, he considers my feelings, listens to my blabbering, makes sure I am taken care of, and most importantly lets me be myself with no judgements just encouragement. All things I have never had from any man. I know, sounds like a relationship right? Well still not quite yes, but not quite no so who knows what the future holds.
Now considering my serious relationship experiences; I could blame a myriad of issues; fear and trust being at the top of that list as to why I am single. Even though I’ve been through some relationship “things,” I am still very open-minded and constantly striving to improve myself. The first thing I have to do though is be honest with ‘Self’. With the first 2 relationships I’d failed to listen to myself and trust my instincts and move on. To my detriment, I held on and in one case, even though I had a bad feeling about the situation before it started, I held on and hoped things would work out. The only situation where I did not have mass induction of warning signs and red flags, was the 3rd one. It is definitely completely different from any relationship I have had thus far and that was initially terrifying. I decided to see where it went, fell in love, and may eventually get my heart broken. It is however, as the other two, valuable to me and my growth as a woman.
Each relationship when it begins and as it ends, is an opportunity to learn about and improve yourself. I have learned a myriad of things about me. What I want, what I don’t want and bit more of who I am. What is the nature of my capacity for love, kindness and forgiveness. It also came with an acceptance of my imperfections, and greater love for myself. In the end I’m single, not because men aren’t shit or there are no good ones out there. I am single because I have had to learn a deep abiding love for myself. I needed to learn how to trust my own instincts, and how to value myself not above all others, but above all nonsense. Each day I grow into the better version of myself and one day when the time comes I will be ready.
Originally published 4/27/16